I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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