Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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