when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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