her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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