I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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