does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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