Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
