i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
