I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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