i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
