Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
