You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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