I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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