Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I need to calm my uterus...
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
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