hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
