Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
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