I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
