just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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