he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
