The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
