I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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