Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
