Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Randomize
