I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Randomize
