sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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