Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
