: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
