Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Just high enough for therapy.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
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