that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
