There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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