I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
