All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
