but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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