if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
