Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
