I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
i need some magic done to my vagina
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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