She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
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