worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I just found puke in my bra..
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
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