If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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