i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
