Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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