I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
