Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize