Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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