I cannot find my penis.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
