I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
they call him Oral-B. enough said
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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