Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
