im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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