My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Randomize
