i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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