Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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