mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize