Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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