Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
