Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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