We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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